The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, September 27, 1890.

Questo sito usa dei cookie per migliorare la vostra esperienza di navigazione. Continuando la navigazione accettate l'uso dei cookie (Altre informazioni)


Home Page  - Autori - Audioletture a cura di Valerio Di Stefano - Concordanze   DVD-ROM
 Aree linguistiche: Italiano   English            
Appunti di informatica libera   Punch, or the London Charivari - Holy Bible
Guide Linux   GNUtemberg    Liber Liber - Wikipedia for Schools   E-mail   Chi sono


The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
Sept. 27, 1890, by Various

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at

Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, Sept. 27, 1890

Author: Various

Release Date: May 4, 2004 [EBook #12262]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1


Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team.


Vol. 99.

September 27, 1890.

[pg 145]


(By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.)


The Servant of Society is one who, having in early life abdicated every claim to independent thought or action, is content to attach himself to the skirts and coat-tails of the great, and to exist for a long time as a mere appendage in mansions selected by the unerring instinct of a professional tuft-hunter. It is as common a mistake to suppose that all tuft-hunters are necessarily of lowly birth and of inferior social position, as it is to believe them all to be offensive in manner and shallow in artifice. The coarse but honest Snob still perhaps exists, and here and there he thrusts and pushes in the old familiar way; but more often than not the upstart who has won his way to wealth and consideration finds himself to his own surprise courted and fawned upon by those whose boots his abilities would have fitted him to black, and his disposition prompted him to lick. Noble sportsmen are proud to be seen in his company, aristocratic guinea-pigs are constantly in his pocket in the congenial society of the great man's purse, art willingly reproduces his features, journalism enthusiastically commemorates his adventures, and even Royalty does not thrust away a votary whose ministrations are as acceptable as they are readily performed. Without much effort on his own part he is raised to pinnacles which he imagined impossible of access, and soon learns to look down with a contempt that might spring of ancient lineage and assured merit, upon the hungry crowd whose cry is that of the daughter of the horse-leech.

But the genuine Servant of Society is of a different stamp. Ordinarily he is of a good family, and of a competence which both differs from and resembles his general character in being possessed at once of the attributes of modesty and assurance. From an early age he will have been noted for the qualities which in after-life render him humbly celebrated in subordinate positions. At school he will have had the good fortune to be attached as fag to a big boy who occupied an important place as an athlete, and whose condescending smiles were naturally an object of greater ambition to the small fry than the approval of the school authorities. For him he performed with much assiduity the various duties of a fag, happy to shine amongst his companions as the recipient of the great boy's favours. To play the jackal without incurring universal dislike is (at school) no very easy task, but he accomplishes it with discretion and with a natural aptitude that many maturer jackals might envy.

At the age of seventeen he is withdrawn from school. His own marked disinclination saves him from a military career, and he is subsequently sent to pass a year or two upon the Continent of Europe, in order that he may first of all pass the examination for the Diplomatic Service, and subsequently foil foreign statesmen with their own weapons, and in their own language. Returning, he secures his nomination, and faces the Examiners. Providence, however, reserves him for lower things. The Examiners triumph, and the career of the Servant of Society begins in earnest. The position of his parents secures for him an entrance into good houses. He is a young man of great tact and of small accomplishments. He can warble a song, aid a great lady to organise a social festivity, lead a cotillon, order a dinner, and help to eat it, act in amateur theatricals, and recommend French novels to inquiring matrons. His manners are always easy, and his conversation has that spice of freedom which renders it specially acceptable in the boudoirs of the smart. The experience of a few years makes plain to him that, in social matters, the serious person goes down before the trifler. He therefore cultivates flippancy as a fine art, and becomes noted for a certain cheap cynicism, which he sprinkles like a quasi-intellectual pepper over the strong meat of risky conversation. Moreover, he is constantly self-satisfied, and self-possessed. Yet he manages to avoid giving offence by occasionally assuming a gentle humility of manner, to which he almost succeeds in imparting a natural air, and he studiously refrains from saying or doing anything which, since it may cause other men to provoke him, may possibly result in his being forced to pretend that he himself has been ruffled. Yet it must be added that he is always thoroughly harmless. He flutters about innumerable dovecots, without ever fluttering those who dwell in them, and, in course of time, he comes to be known and accepted everywhere as a useful man. As might be supposed, he is never obtrusively manly. The rough pursuits of the merely athletic repel him, yet he has the knack of assuming an interest where he feels it not, and is able to prattle quite pleasantly about sports in which he takes little or no active part. At the same time it must be admitted that he holds a gun fairly straight, and does not disgrace himself when the necessity of slaughtering a friend's pheasants interrupts for a few hours the rehearsals of private theatricals, in company with the friend's wife. Certainly he is not a fool. He gauges with great accuracy his own capacities, and carefully limits his ambition to those smaller desires which, since they exact no vaulting power, are never likely to bring about a fall on the other side. The objects of his admiration are mean; and since he meanly admires them, he comes quite naturally under the Thackerayan definition of a Snob.

Whilst he is still a year or two on the fair side of thirty, it may happen that a turn of the political wheel will bring into high office a statesman who is quite willing to be served by those who are able to make themselves useful to him, without exacting from them solidity either of character or of attainments. With him the Servant of Society, with an instinct that does credit to his discernment, will have established friendly relations. The politician was first amused and then impressed by his versatility; now, having the opportunity, he offers to him the position of Assistant Private Secretary (unpaid), and it is scarcely necessary to say that the young man accepts it with a gratitude which proves that he believes his patron capable of conferring further favours. From this time forward he begins to abandon the merely frivolous air that has hitherto distinguished him. He lays in a mixed stock of solemnity, mystery, and importance, and occasionally awes the friends of his flippant days by assuming the reticent look and the shake of the head of one who is marked off from common mortals by the possession of secrets the revelation of which might, perhaps, imperil the peace of the world. In country-houses, in London drawing-rooms, and at Clubs, where he had hitherto been mentioned with a laugh as "Little So-and-So," he comes to be talked of as "So-and-So—of course you know him—Lord BLANK'S Private Secretary." Thus he becomes quite a personage. But he is far from abandoning the rôle of Servant of Society. Indeed, he only enlarges and glorifies the scope of his ministrations, without in any way ceasing to cultivate those smaller trifles which stood him in such good stead at the outset of his career. He now has the satisfaction of seeing many of those who desire anything that a Cabinet Minister can give, cringing to one whom they despise, and who rejoices in the knowledge that he can afford to patronise them, and perhaps crush them by obtaining for them that which they want.

When, in the course of a few years, Lord BLANK'S party ceases to direct the government of the country, his Assistant Private Secretary follows him into the cold shade of adversity and opposition, and stands by him with exemplary usefulness and fidelity. But, though he is often pressed, he never contests a constituency, feeling, perhaps, that it is impossible to serve both Society and the Caucus. In time his name becomes the common property of all Society journals—his biography is published in one, his discreet service is extolled in another, while a third goes so far as to hint that, if the truth were known, it would be found that the various departments of the State could not possibly carry on their affairs without his enlightened counsel. He adopts an antique fashion of dress, in order to emphasise his personality. He wears a stock, and a very wide-brimmed hat, and carries a bunch of seals dangling from a fob.

At forty-five he marries the daughter of a powerful Peer, and, shortly afterwards, insures so much of the favour of Royalty as to be spoken of as a persona grata at Court. Henceforward his services are often employed in delicate negotiations, which may necessitate the climbing of many back-stairs. On such occasions, and after it has been announced in the papers that "Mr. So-and-so was the bearer of an important communication" from one great person to another, it is his custom to show himself in his Clubs and in crowded haunts, so that he may enjoy the pleasure of being pointed out, digita prætereuntium, and of catching the whispers of those who nudge one another as they mention his name.

Finally, it will be rumoured that he has been collecting materials for the Memoirs which he proposes shortly to publish. But though he never disclaims the intention, and is even understood, on more than one occasion, to allude in conversation to the precise period of his life to which his writing has then brought him, it is quite certain that he will never carry out the intention, or bring out the book. At the age of sixty he will still be a young man, with a gay style of banter peculiarly his own. Towards the end of his life he will often talk darkly of great events in which he has played a part, and of extraordinary services which only he could have performed; and when he dies, the country will be called upon to mourn for one who has saved it from social degradation, and from political disaster.

[pg 146]


[According to the Standard, by the new Meat Inspection Law, just come into force in the United States, American cattle and pigs for export to England, France, or Germany, are to be inspected before leaving America, with a view to removing the grounds of objection on the part of those Governments to the unrestricted reception of these important American exports. Should any foreign Government, fearful of pleuro-pneumonia or trichinosis, refuse to trust to the infallibility of the American inspectors, the President of the United States is authorised to retaliate by directing that such products of such foreign State as he may deem proper shall be excluded from importation to the United States.]

O SENATOR EDMONDS, of verdant Vermont,

Of wisdom you may be a marvellous font;

But you'll hardly get JOHN,—'tis too much of a joke!—

To buy in your fashion a Pig in a Poke;

Which nobody can expect!

To slaughter your Cattle when reaching our shore,

You probably think is no end of a bore;

But even your valiant Vermonters to please,

We cannot afford to spread Cattle-disease,

Which nobody can desire.

A Yankee Inspector is all very fine,

But if pleuro-pneumonia crosses the line,

And with BULL'S bulls and heifers should play up the deuce,

A Yankee Inspector won't be of much use,

Which nobody can dispute.

A Yankee Inspector you seem to suppose is

A buckler and barrier against trichinosis;

Bat trichinae pass without passports. Bacilli

And microbes that Yankee might miss willy-nilly,

Which nobody can deny.

Port-slaughter restrictions may limit your trade.

Well, your Tariffs Protective to help us aren't made,

[pg 147]

And we cannot run dangers to plump up your wealth,

Until you can show us a clean bill of health,

Which nobody can assert.

And as to that cudgel tucked under your arm,

You fancy, perhaps, it will act as a charm.

No, JONATHAN! JOHN to your argument's dull,

And you will not convince him by cracking his skull,

Which nobody can suppose.

The Gaul and the Teuton seem much of my mind,

And, despite your new Law, you will probably find

That Yankee Inspectors, plus menaces big,

Rehabilitate not the American Pig,

Which nobody can affirm.

No, JONATHAN, JOHNNY feels no animosity,

He'd like, with yourself, to have true Reciprocity;

But neither your Law, nor a smart cudgel-stroke,

Will make him—or them—buy your Pig in a Poke—

Which nobody can particularly

wonder at, after all; now can


"NOMINE MUTATO."—For some weeks there was a considerable amount of correspondence in the Times, anent "Ecclesiastical Titles," which suddenly disappeared. Was the topic resumed one day last week under the new heading, "The Symbolical Representation of Ciphers?"

LATEST FROM THE LYCEUM.—With a view to supplying the entire world with the current number, Mr. Punch goes to press at a date too early to permit of a criticism of Ravenswood. So he contents himself (for the present) by merely recording that at the initial performance on Saturday last all went as happily ("merrily," with so sombre a plot, is not the word) as a marriage-bell. There was a striking situation towards the end of the drama which was both novel and interesting. Mr. IRVING received and deserved a grand reception, and it was generally admitted that amongst the many admirable impersonations for which MISS ELLEN TERRY is celebrated, her Bride of Lammermoor appropriately "takes the cake!"


(Latest Version.)

[It is said that the price of wheat and the marriage-rate go together, most people getting married when wheat is highest.]

My pretty JANE, my dearest JANE,

Ah, never look so shy,

But meet me, meet me in the market,

When the price of wheat rules high.

The glut is waning fast, my love,

And corn is getting dear;

Good (Hymen) times are coming, love,

Ceres our hearts shall cheer.

Then pretty JANE, though poorish JANE,

Ah, never pipe your eye,

But meet me, meet me at the Altar,

For the price of wheat rules high!

Yes, name the day, the happy day,

I can afford the ring;

For corn rules high, the marriage rate

Mounts up like anything;

The "quarter" stands at fifty, love,

Which, for Mark Lane is dear.

Our wedding day is coming, love,

Our married course is clear.

Then, pretty JANE, if poorish JANE,

Ah, never look so shy;

But meet me, meet me at the Altar,

When the price of wheat rules high!


Viscount Conamorey (whose recollections of the antique are somewhat hazy). "AW—A—WHAT BEAUTIFUL ARMS AND HANDS YOU'VE GOT, MRS. BOUNDER! THEY REMIND ME OF THE VENUS OF MILO'S!"

Mrs. B. (who has never even seen the Venus of Milo). "OH! YOU FLATTERER!"


(By a Town Mouse.)

Come back to Town! Why wander where

The snow-clad peaks arise?

Our English sunsets are as fair,

With red September skies.

Soft is the matutinal mist

Through which the trees loom brown;

Come back, if only to be kist,—

Come back to Town!

For evermore, in days like these,

When musing on your face,

My sad imagination sees

Another in my place.

Say, do you listen to his prayer,

Or slay him with a frown?

At any rate I can't be there.

Come back to Town!

Why linger by some far-off lake

Or Continental strand?

St. Martin's Summer comes to make

A glory in the land.

The river runs a golden stream

Where WREN'S great dome looks down;

Thine eyes, methinks, have brighter gleam;

Come back to Town!

I hear your voice upon the wind,

In dreamland you appear;

But do you wonder that I find

The day so long and drear?

Lentis adhærens brachiis come

Once more my life to crown;

Without thee 'tis too burdensome.

Come back to Town!



"So glad to see you at last. Now don't let me interrupt your talk with Mrs. VEREKER;" i.e., "If I do, I shall be let in for being button-holed."

"Do let me get you some tea—you must be dying for a cup;" i.e., "Know I am."

"So sorryI fear everything is cold. Do let me have some fresh tea made for you;" i.e., "He can't accept that offer."


"You don't mind my cigar, do you?" i.e., "I know he does, but I'm not going to waste it."

(Reply to the above query.)

"Oh, not at all!" i.e., "Beastly thing! If he wasn't so confoundedly selfish and stingy, he'd throw it away."

[pg 148]



I'm afloat, I'm afloat on the coaly black Tyne!

The draft licence sent me I begged to decline;

Though other chaps had 'em, they were not for me;

I prefer a free flag, on the strictest Q.T.

A sly "floating factory" thus I set up

(I'm a mixture of RUPERT the Rover and KRUPP).

At Jarrow Slake moored, my trim wherry or boat

I rejoiced in, and sung "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!"

For quick-firing guns ammunition I made,

Engaging (says FORD) in the contraband trade.

An inquest was held, but its verdict cleared me.

I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!

I fear not the Government, heed not its law.

Much rumpus is made, we shall hear lots of jaw:

An explosion took place on October the third,

My sly "floating factory" blew up like a bird.

It killed one poor fellow, and damaged a lot,

But I am a Great Gun, and got off like a shot;

Indeed all were well, but for cold Colonel FORD,

Who blames me, the Rover! Too bad, on my word!

The Pirate of Elswick shall not be the sport

of a fussy Commission's ill-tempered Report.

To bring me to book is all fiddlededee—

I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!

I contraband, careless? Why, everyone owns

That is natural, 'neath the black flag and cross-bones.

No mere paltry maker of fireworks am I,

But a Rover who's free, whose sole roof is the sky.

The law of the land may the petty appal.

But frighten the Rover? Oh no, not at all!

And ne'er to Commissions or Colonels I'll yield,

Whilst there's Black Tyne to back me or Whitehall to shield.

Unfurl the Black Flag! shake its folds to the wind!

And I'll warrant we'll soon leave sea-lawyers behind.

Up, up with the flag! Pirate's licence for me!

I'm afloat, I'm afloat, and the Rover is free!


DARWINITES.—"The Evolutionary Squadron."


Speaking of Reynart the Fox, I was made, by a slip of the printer's hand—I am accustomed to seeing slips from his hand, which is quite another thing—to say that this mediæval romance "presents a truer picture of life than novels in which vice is punished and virtue patiently rewarded." After considering for some time what on earth I could have meant by "patiently rewarded," I remembered that I had written "patently rewarded." The printer put my "i" out; and without an "i" it was very difficult to perceive the sense of the phrase.

Nutshell Novels, by that crack writer—no, not "crack'd"—and poet, whose verses send a frill right through us, Mr. J. ASHBY-STERRY, are coming out. Capital title. As SHAKSPEARE says, "Sermons in stones, novels in nutshells, and good in everything." SHELLEY'S poems might be brought out in pocketable form under a similar title, Nut-Shelley Poems. I have not yet seen the volume in question, only heard tell of it, and should not be surprised to hear that the central novel and the best was a short military novel, entitled The Kernel. Messrs. HUTCHINSON & Co. are the publishers. I hope Mr. STERRY has illustrated them himself. He can draw and paint, but he won't, and there's an end on't. He must follow up the Nutshells with a volume of Crackers, about Christmas time.

Just been looking through London Street Arabs, by Mrs. H.M. STANLEY, published by CASSELL & Co., which firm—whose telegraphic address is "Caspeg, London," and a good name too—writes to the Baron thus:—"In forwarding you an early copy"—small and early—"of Mrs. Stanley's book, we will ask you to be good enough"—("I am 'good enough'" quoth the Baron)—"to confine your extracts from the Introduction to an extent not exceeding one-third of the whole." "Willingly, my dear 'Caspeg,'" replies the Baron, who does not like being dictated to, and, to gratify your wish to the utmost, he will make no extracts at all from the book, a proceeding which ought mightily to delight "Caspeg, London." What next? Will publishers send to the Baron, and request him not even to breathe the names of their books? By all means. He has no objection, as, whether sent to him for review, or purchased by him pour se distraire, the Baron only mentions those he likes, or, if he mentions those he dislikes, 'tis pro bono publico, and there's an end on't. Mrs. STANLEY appreciates humour, as the following anecdote will show—But, dear me, the Baron is forgetful—he begs "Caspeg's" pardon; he mustn't quote. Mrs. STANLEY can be truly sympathetic with sorrow, as the following story proves—no, "Caspeg," the story must not follow. Never mind—the Baron's dear readers will read it for themselves if they feel "so dispoged." The Baron supposes that all this was written and drawn while Mrs. STANLEY was Miss DOROTHY TENNANT, because her recorded opinion, probably, as a spinster, is (and here the Baron "quotes" not, but "alludes"), that you can find better artistic material in this line at home, than you can obtain by seeking it abroad; yet when she married, off she went to Milan, Venice, and so forth. For pleasure, of course, not work; but work to her is evidently pleasure. May happiness have accompanied her everywhere! The drawings are pretty, rather of the goody-good "Sunday-at-home-readings" kind of illustrations. And what on earth has a sort of pictorial advertisement for "Somebody's Soap" got to do with Street Arabs? "Washed Ashore; or, Happy At Last," might be the title of this mer-baby picture, in which two naked children, not Street Arabs, or Arabs of any sort, are depicted as examining the inanimate body of a nondescript creature, half flesh and half fish, which has been thrown up by the waves "to be left till called for" by the next high-tide, when, perhaps, its sorrowing parents, Mr. and Mrs. MERMAN, or its widowed mother, Mrs. MERWOMAN, arrayed in sea-"weeds," may come to claim it and give it un-christian burial. But that the Baron, out of deference to the wishes of "Caspeg, London," does not like to quote one single line, he could give Mrs. STANLEY'S own account of how this picture of the Mer-baby came to be included in the Street Arab Collection. For such explanation the Baron refers the reader to the book itself. "Caspeg," farewell!

I have, the Baron says, commenced the first pages of The Last Days of Palmyra. Good, so far; but several new books have come in, and Palmyra cannot receive my undivided attention, says


P.S.—My faithful "Co." has been reading Ferrers Court, by JOHN STRANGE WINTER, author of Bootle's Baby and a number of other [pg 149] novelettes of like kind. He says that he is getting just the least bit tired of Mignon, and the plain-spoken girls, and the rest of them. By the way, he observes that it seems to be the fashion, judging from the pages of Ferrers Court, in what he may call "Service Suckles," to talk continually of a largely advertising lady's tailor. If this custom spreads, he presumes that the popular topic of conversation, the weather, will have to give place to the prior claims for consideration of Somebody's Blacking, or Somebody-else's Soap. This is to be regretted, as, in spite of the sameness of subject of the Bootle's Baby series, JOHN STRANGE WINTER is always more amusing than nine-tenths of his (or should it be her?) contemporaries. B. De B.-W. & Co.

P.S. No. 2.—The Baron wishes to add that on taking up the Bride of Lammermoor in order to refresh his memory before seeing the new drama, he was struck by a few lines in the description of Lucy Ashton, which, during rehearsals, must have been peculiarly appropriate to her representative at the Lyceum, Miss ELLEN TERRY. Here they are:—"To these details, however trivial, Lucy lent patient and not indifferent attention. They moved and interested Henry, and that was enough to secure her ear." "Great Scott!" indeed! Perfectly prophetic, and prophetically perfect. B. DE B.-W.


"The day of cocked hats and plumes is past and gone. This head-dress is utterly unsuited for active service."—Military Correspondent's Letter to Times.



Sporting Notes from Our Special Representative.

I had an invite from JEPSON, a Stock Exchange acquaintance, who has rented a Moor for the winter months, and who, happening to hear that I and my two foreign friends were in the neighbourhood, most kindly asked me to come and have a look at his box, and bring them with me.

"I hear," he writes, "that the deer are very lively, and if you want to show your foreign friends some first-rate British Sport, you can't do better than bring them."

Need I say that I jumped at this. Coming along on the top of the coach, that takes us to Spital-hoo, the place my friend has rented, I have been endeavouring to describe what I imagine to be the nature of the sport of Deer-stalking to the Chief and the Bulgarian Count. The former, who has been listening attentively, says that, from my description, stalking a stag must be very much the same as hunting the double-humped bison in Mwangumbloola, and that the only weapon he shall take with him will be a pickaxe. I have pointed out to him that I don't think this will be any use, as in deer-stalking I fancy you follow the stag at some distance, but he seems resolute about the pickaxe, and so, I suppose, I must let him have his way. The Bulgarian Count was deeply interested in the matter, and says that evidently the proper weapon to use is a species of quick-firing, repeating Hotchkiss, and that he has one now on its way through Edinburgh, the invention of a compatriot, that will fire 2700 two-ounce bullets in a minute and a-half. I fancy, if he uses this, he will surprise the neighbourhood; but, of course, I have not said anything to interfere with his project.

We have arrived at Spital-hoo all safe and sound, and JEPSON has given us a most cordial welcome. But I must now have once more recourse to my current notes.

I have now been something like five hours on the tramp, plodding my way through a deep glen in a pine forest, but have not yet come across any sign of a stag, I started with the Chief and the Count, but the former soon went off at a tangent somewhere on his own hook, and the latter, who had got his Hotchkiss with him and found it heavy work to drag it up and down the mountain paths, I have left behind to take a rest and recuperate himself. I pause in my walk and listen. The forest is intensely still. Not a sign of a stag anywhere.

JEPSON is left at home, as he is expecting a couple of local Ministers to tea, but he has told me I'm "bound to come across whole herds of them," if I only tramp long enough. Well, I've been at it five hours, and I certainly ought to have spotted something by this time. By Jove, though, what's that moving in the path ahead of me? It is! It is a stag! A magnificent fellow—though he appears to have only one horn. But, how odd! I believe he has seen me, and yet doesn't seem scared! Yes, he is actually approaching in the most leisurely fashion in the world. But that isn't the correct thing. In deer-stalking, I'm sure you ought to stalk the deer, not the deer stalk you. And this creature is absolutely coming down on me. Oh! I can't stand this. I shall have a shot at him. Bang! Have fired—and missed! And, by Jove, the stag doesn't seem to mind! He is coming nearer and nearer. He actually comes close to where I am kneeling, and with facetious friendliness removes my Tam o'Shanter! But, hulloah! who is this speaking? "Ha, and would ye blaze awa wi' your weepons upon poor old Epaminondas, mon!" It is an aged Highlander who is addressing me, and he has just turned out of a bye-path. He is fondling the creature's nose affectionately, and the stag seems to know him. I remark as much.

"Ha! sure he does," he replies, "Why there's nae a body doon the glen but has got a friendly word for puir Old Epaminondas. You see he's blind o' one 'ee, and he's lost one o' his antlers, and he's a wee bit lame, and all the folk here about treat him kindly, when ye thought to put that bit o' lead into him just noo, sure he was just oomin' to ye for a bit o' oatmeal cake."

I express my regret for having so nearly shot the "Favourite of the Glen" through inadvertence! I explain that I came out deerstalking, and did not expect, of course, to come across a perfectly tame and domestic stag.

"A weel, there's nae mischief done," continues my interlocutor; "but it's nae good a stalking Epaminondas, for he's just a sagacious beastie altogether."

Here we are at the Lodge. But, hulloah! what's this uproar on the lawn? A herd of deer dashing wildly over everything, flowerbeds and all, and, yes, absolutely five of them bursting into the house, through one of the drawing-room windows, while JEPSON and the two kirk Ministers emerge hurriedly, terrified, from the other. Crash! And what's that? Why, surely it can't be—but yes, I believe it is—yes, it positively is the Chief's pickaxe that has flown through the air, and just smashed through the upper panes, scattering the glass in a thousand fragments in all directions!

And thus ends my Stalking for the Present, and (probably) the Future!

[pg 150]


This is how the lovely and accomplished Miss B——ns (of ——, Portland Place) managed to defray the expenses of their Sea-side Trip, this Autumn, without anybody being any the wiser!




(See "The German Fox and the British Lion," Punch, November 17, 1888.)

"When Fox with Lion hunts, one would be sorry

To say who gains—until they've shared the quarry!"

Such was the Moral

Of the first chapter of our modern Fable.

Is the co-partnership still strong and stable,

Or are there signs of quarrel

More than mere querulous quidnuncs invent

To break companionship and mar content?

Reynard has settled down into that latitude,

Pilgrim, perhaps, but certainly a Trader.

Does he not show a certain change of attitude,

Suggestive rather less of the Crusader,

Eager to earn the black-skinned bondsman's gratitude,

Than of the Bagman with his sample-box?

Ah, Master Fox!

Somehow the scallop seems to slip aside,

And that brave banner, which, with honest pride

You waved, like some commercial Quixote—verily

'Tis not to-day so valorously flaunted,

And scarce so cheerily.

You boast the pure knight-errantry so vaunted,

Some two years since,

Eh? You unfeigned Crusading zeal evince?

Whence, then, that rival banner

Which you coquet with in so cautious manner?

Hoisting it? Humph! Say, rather, just inspecting it.

But whether with intention of rejecting it,

Or temporising with the sly temptation

And making Proclamation

Of views a trifle modified, and ardour

A little cooled by thoughts of purse and larder.

Why, that's the question.

Reynard will probably resent suggestion

Of playing renegade, in the cause of Trade,

To that same Holy, Noble, New Crusade.

"Only," he pleads, "don't fume, and fuss, and worry,

The New Crusade is not a thing to hurry;

I never meant hot zealotry or haste—

Things hardly to the solid Teuton taste!"

And Leo? Well, he always had his doubts,

Yet to indulge in fierce precipitate flouts

Is not his fashion.

The Anti-Slavery zeal, with him a passion,

He knows less warmly shared by other traders;

But soi-disant Crusaders

Caught paltering with the Infidels, like traitors,

And hot enthusiast Emancipators

Who the grim Slavery-demon gently tackle,

Wink at the scourge, and dally with the shackle,

Such, though they vaunt their zeal and orthodoxy,

Seem—for philanthropists—a trifle foxy!

Réclame (Gratis).—Where is the Lessee of the Haymarket? He ought to have been in India. He was wanted there. The Daily News, last week, told us in its Morning News Columns that "at a place called Beerbhoom"—clearly the Indian spelling of Beerbohm—"there was a desirable piece of land lying waste"—the very spot for a theatre—"because it was reputed to be haunted by a malignant goddess,"—that wouldn't matter as long as the "gods" were well provided for. Then it continues, "They" (who?) "did all they could to propitiate her, setting apart a tree—." Yes; but it wasn't the right tree: of course it ought to have been a BEERBHOOM TREE. His first drama might have shown how a Buddhist priest couldn't keep a secret. Thrilling!

Woman's Happiest Hour.

(By a Sour old Cynic.)

A Yankee Journal raises wordy strife

About "the happiest hour of Woman's life."

I'll answer in less compass than a sonnet:—

"When she outshines her best friend's smartest bonnet!"

[pg 151]


(Vide Cartoon, Nov. 17, 1888.)

[pg 153]


1. The Meet was to be at Cropper's Gorse, 5:30. At 4:30 Thompson called for me. He said he knew the way perfectly. 2. After we had gone a couple of miles, a steady rain came on. I didn't think much of the beauties of early morning.
3. "Well, my man," said Thompson, "seen the hounds? This is Cropper's Gorse, I suppose?" "Noa, Sur; this be Cropper's Plantation. The Gorse be four miles over yonder!" 4. "Extraordinary thing I should have been mistaken," said Thompson. "Never mind. Let's canter on, and we'll see some fun yet."
5. "Hi! my boy, is this Cropper's Gorse?" asked Thompson. "Noa, Sur. This be Cropper's Common. The Gorse be five miles over yonder!" 6. Then Thompson had the decency to say, "Let's go back and have breakfast."


A mass meeting of Rats was held (unknown to the Park-keepers) under the Reformer's Oak in Hyde Park, at midnight of last Sunday. The object of the gathering was to protest against the proposal made by a Correspondent of The Times, that the "sewer-rats who had established themselves in the sylvan retreat" known as Hyde Park Dell, should be exterminated by means of "twenty ferrets and a few capable dogs."

Mr. RODENT (Senior) was called upon to preside. He took the hillock amid waving of tails and much enthusiasm, and remarked that he trusted that that vast assembly, one of the most magnificent demonstrations that even Hyde Park had ever known, would show by its orderly behaviour, that Rats knew how to conduct business. (Cheers.) They lived in strange times. A barbarous suggestion had been made to evict them—to turn them out of house and home, by means of what he might call Emergency Ferrets. (Groans, and cries of "Boycott them!") He feared that boycotting a ferret would not do much good. (A squeak—"Why not try rattening?"—and laughter.) Arbitration seemed to him the most politic course under the circumstances. (Cheers.) They were accused of eating young moor-chicks. Well, was a Rat to starve? ("No, no!") Did not a Rat owe a duty to those dependent upon it? (Cheers, and cries of "Yes!") He appealed to the opinion of the civilised world to put a stop—At this point in the Chair-rat's address, an alarm of "Dogs!" was raised, and the meeting at once dispersed in some confusion.


Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms?

Life for that paladin hath poignant charms.

Whether in pretty quarrel he shall run

Just half an inch of rapier—in pure fun—

In his opponent's biceps, or shall flick

His shoulders with a slender walking-stick.

The "stern joy" of the man indeed must rise

To raptures and heroic ecstacies.

Oh, glorious climax of a vulgar squabble,

To redden your foe's nose, or make him hobble

For half a week or so, as though, perchance,

He'd strained an ancle in a leap or dance!

Feeble sword-play or futile fisticuffs

Might be disdained by warriors—or roughs;

But to the squabbling scribe the farce has charms.

Who would not be a Journalist-at-Arms?


A thoroughly well appointed and handsomely furnished COUNTRY MANSION (Elizabethan or Jacobæan period preferred) wanted immediately. It must contain not less than 50 bedrooms, appropriate reception-rooms, and a hall capable of being utilised for fêtes and gala entertainments on a large scale, and must stand in the midst of extensive timbered grounds, surrounded by orangeries, hot-houses, and beautifully kept pleasure grounds replete with the choicest pieces of statuary and ornamental fountains arranged for electrical illumination, the perfect installation of which on the premises, on the newest principles, is regarded as a sine quâ non by the Advertiser. The shooting over four or five hundred acres, and the meeting of not less than three packs of hounds in the immediate neighbourhood, with salmon and trout fishing within easy distance of the mansion, are also considered indispensable. Particulars as to the surrounding country gentry are requested. Write also stating whether any recognised race-meeting is held in the immediate vicinity. The distance of the property from town must not be more than half an hour's railway journey, and the inclusive rent must not exceed five and twenty shillings a week.

[pg 154]



[pg 155]


(Our Artist's Dream, after reading the numerous Accidents to Mountain-Climbers.)


(By a Poor Paterfamilias.)

"London is a terrible consumer of ozone."—Standard.

A'R—"The Dutchman's Little Dog."

O where and O where, is our treasured Ozone?

O where, and O where can it be?

From London to leeward 'tis utterly gone,

To windward but little floats free.

Since SCHÖNBEIN of Basle discovered the stuff,

We've lived half a cen-tu-ree.

If of it we only could swallow enough,

How healthy, how happy were we!

Condensed form of oxygen, essence of air

That's fresh, or electricitee,

Ozone is the stuff shaken health to repair.

'Tis for it we all fly to the sea!

Solidified Ozone they talk about now,

To be bought in small bricks like pressed tea.

The air that is cheering when breathed on one's brow

In cubic foot-blocks would bring glee.

How pleasant to buy one's Ozone, like one's coal,

And store it up an-nu-al-lee!

And not fly for it to some dull cockney hol

Just because it is dug by the Sea!

Ah yes, let us have it, this needful Ozone,

In portable parcels! Ah me!

No longer need Paterfamilias groan

At the cost of that month by the Sea!

SHAKSPEARIAN MOTTO FOR THE NEW UNIONISM.—(Dedicated to the Artisan left out in the cold.)—"In the ambush of my name, strike home!"—Measure for Measure.


'Twere hard indeed to try to get

A theme without some poem on it—

A vilanelle, a triolet,

An ode, an epic, or a sonnet.

CASTARA'S charms were sung of old,

Both SWIFT and SIDNEY, wrote to STELLA,

But mine it is to first unfold

The praise of my beloved Umbrella.

You are not difficult to please,

Although no doubt a trifle "knobby;"

Whilst I'm reclining at mine ease,

I leave you standing in the lobby.

I ever treat you thus, and yet

I haven't got a friend who's firmer;

In point of fact, you even let

Me shut you up without a murmur.

Now some seek solace sweet in smoke,

And make a pipe their AMARYLLIS;

So think not that I do but joke

In calling you my darling PHYLLIS.

And though the gossips never spare

For ill-report to seek a handle,

The (indiarubber) ring you wear

Prevents the very thought of scandal.

"Fair weather, friend," we've often heard

Used as a term to throw discredit,

Though clearly it were quite absurd

If speaking of yourself one said it.

When skies are blue (a thing that's rare)

I in the coolest way forsake you,

But when the Forecast tells me "Fair,"

Or "Settled Sunshine," then I take you.

I like to think of one sweet day

When cats and dogs it kept on raining,

(Why "cats and dogs," it's right to say,

Who will oblige me by explaining?)

When someone, who had golden hair,

And I were walking out together,

And underneath your sheltering care,

Were happy spite of wind and weather.

One day I asked a friend to dine,

The friend I most completely trusted.

We sat and chatted o'er the wine,

He liked the port—my fine old crusted.

At length we said "Good-night." He went

But not alone. For to my sorrow

My mind with jealousy was rent,

To find you missing on the morrow.

You had eloped! Yet all the same

I felt quite sure you were his victim,

When back a sorry wreck you came,

I very nearly went and kicked him!

Did Love take wings, and fly away?

Grew my affection less? No, never!

To tell the truth, I'm bound to say

I fondly loved you more than ever!

With him—the man who was my friend—

It's pretty clear you got on badly;

Your ribs, somehow, seem prone to bend,

Your silken dress seems wearing sadly.

It's very hard, I know, to part,

And sentimental feelings smother,

But even though it break my heart,

I'm going, next week, to get another.

EPITAPH ON A PLATE OF VENISON (a suggestion, at the service of those who collect menu cards).—"Though lost to sight, to memory deer!"

[pg 156]


Last week the St. James's Gazette published an article proving that the Bastille, so far from being a gloomy prison, was the most delightful of hotels. This historical record has, however, caused no surprise in 85, Fleet Street, because the following extract from a very old diary has for years been awaiting publication. The time has now arrived for it to see the light.


Newgate, September 29, 17—.—Got up with the assistance of my valet, and held my customary levée. The Governor of the place asked my permission to enter my luxuriously furnished apartments, to show me an amusing set of irons that had been discovered in one of the cells used during the last two hundred years for the storage of fire-wood. The droll things were called the "Little Ease," and seemingly, were intended to create merriment. One of the officers was complacent enough to assume them, and caused great diversion by his eccentric gestures. My levée was not quite so successful, as is generally the case, as that tedious old gossip, GUIDO FAUX, obtained admission. As usual he had a grievance. It appears that a report has got abroad that he was executed in the days of our late lamented Monarch, JAMES THE FIRST of Great Britain, and SIXTH of Scotland. Says GUIDO, "If this be believed by the multitude there will be a demand for my expulsion, and what shall I do if I be turned out?" Condoled with him, and escaped his importunities by joining with Master JOHN SHEPPARD, and Squire TURPIN in a game of "Lorne Ten Hys," a recreation recently introduced by my good neighbour Monsieur CLAUDE DU VAL. Failed in making a goal, and put out thereat. However, regained my usual flow of spirits on receiving a polite request from the Governor to join him and his good Dame in a visit to the Tower of London, to call upon Lady JANE GREY—once Queen—and now a guest in that admirable institution. Was graciously received by Her Ladyship, who is now of advanced age. Her Ladyship was vastly amused at the news that had reached her that some chroniclers do insist that she has lost her head. "I have in good sooth lost my teeth," laughed the venerable gentlewoman "but my head is as firmly set upon my shoulders as ever. I do verily believe that it must be some mad piece of waggery of that Prince of good fellows, Sir WALTER RALEIGH. The aged Knight is always up to some of his nonsense!" After playing a game of quoits with Lord BALMARINO and the Tower Headsman (whose office is a well-paid sinecure), I returned to Newgate, greatly pleased with my morning's promenade. In the afternoon, entertained the Governor at dinner, who declared that he could never get so good a meal in his own quarters. "Strap me, no!" I exclaimed: "and, were it not that our food was excellent, who would stay at Newgate?" For I confess that, although there are pleasure-gardens, and every sort of amusement and comfort, Newgate, at times, is decidedly damp. Then I raised a glass of punch to my lips, and wished him the same luck that I myself enjoyed. "And that I had!" quoth he. "Would I were prisoner instead of Governor. But it would not be meet. I am not a man of sufficient quality!" And now I must bring this entry to a conclusion, for there is to be a theatrical performance in the dining-hall. Little DAVID GARRICK is to play the principal male character, while Mistress NELLIE GWYNE, Mistress SIDDONS, and Mistress PEG WOFFINGTON, are also in the cast. The title of the piece is Hamlet, and I am told it is written by a young man new to Town. The name of the author is either SHAKSPEARE or SMITH. I am not sure which, but think SMITH.

P.S.—Open my Diary once again. Hamlet a poor piece. It is now said that it was written by BACON or BUCHANAN. Of the former I know nothing, and posterity must discover the identity of the latter. For the rest, if again I am pressed to go to the Play—strap me! but, comfortable as I am, I will pack up my traps, and be off from Newgate—for ever!



A Shareholder in a Gas Company introduced.

The Commissioner (sharply). Well, Sir, what is it?

Shareholder. I have come to complain about the Gas Companies—

The Com. I am not surprised. They are generally causing some one or other trouble.

Shareh. No, I beg your pardon, Sir, but you misunderstand me. I am interested in the prosperity of Gas Companies—

The Com. Then I pity you, for they are certain, sooner or later, to be superseded by the Electric Light.

Shareh. Will you allow me to continue? I am annoyed that some one has been complaining in the Times that "A Chief of a Rental Department" (invariably a person of the highest respectability) has a right to the title of "an arbitrary cove!"

The Com. No doubt someone (who showed his wisdom in appealing to so powerful a tribunal) gave his reasons?

Shareh. Well, yes; he certainly had been served with a demand to pay £1 4s. 10d. within three days, to "prevent the necessity" of the gas supply to his premises being discontinued at a time when he and his family were out of Town, and his house was closed for the recess.

The Com. Primâ facie, that seems a strong order! And I suppose the complainant wrote to the Gas Company, and got no redress?

Shareh. Well, yes. But then, you see, this demand for payment within three days may have been a final notice.

The Com. (drily). Seems to have been very final indeed! Was there anything on the face of the notice to distinguish it from an ordinary unstamped circular?

Shareh. No, I believe not. But, then, possibly, the account had been submitted to him before.

The Com. How do you know? Speaking from my own experience, a demand-note is generally left at the house when the master is away, and the Collector does not take the slightest trouble to collect the money. He leaves it to chance whether the money is sent or not. Surely you must know that in your character of a householder?

Shareh. Well, yes; I fancy that the collector does sometimes act in a very perfunctory manner.

The Com. And that servants frequently are unable to distinguish between the open circular of a Gas Company asking for the settlement of an account, and the open circular of a touting coal merchant asking for custom? And when this happens, both find a home in the dust-hole. Is not that so?

Shareh. Well, yes—very likely—but the law is—

The Com. (sternly). The Law and its name should not be lightly taken in vain. I have seen on a Gas Company's circular the terrors of a statute invoked to secure prompt payment of a few shillings! After all, the Gas Companies (albeit monopolists) are merely traders, and the Public are the customers. If a butcher, a baker, or a candle-stick maker invariably attempted to secure immediate payment by reference on the invoice to the usefulness of the County Court, it is more than possible that that butcher, that baker, or that candle-stick maker, would speedily have to retire from business viâ the Bankruptcy column of The London Gazette. Thus Gas Companies, who adopt a like unpleasant tone, are regarded as the natural enemies of the Public generally. You have a grievance—as a shareholder of one of these Associations—but this is not the place to obtain redress. If you want to improve your position, keep your eye upon your employés, and teach them the meaning of that well-worn phrase, Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re! You may go!

[The Witness then retired, with difficulty repressing a painful exhibition of the most acute emotion.]

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
99, Sept. 27, 1890, by Various


***** This file should be named 12262-h.htm or *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:

Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team.

Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.

Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial



To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at

Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works

1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.  See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United

1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at

1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or

1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.

1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (,
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided

- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
     License.  You must require such a user to return or
     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
     Project Gutenberg-tm works.

- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
     of receipt of the work.

- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.


1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.

of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal

defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER

1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at

Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email  Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at

For additional contact information:
     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
     Chief Executive and Director

Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
donations.  To donate, please visit:

Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic

Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
compressed (zipped), HTML and others.

Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
new filenames and etext numbers.

Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:

This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
download by the etext year. For example:

    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)

EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:

or filename 24689 would be found at:

An alternative method of locating eBooks:


Web Analytics